Wednesday, October 17, 2007


I keep singing rain rain go away.. I like the rain, but you see when your husband drives a dump truck for a living, the rain is not your friend. He hasn't worked this week, because it rains so much and it hasn't dried up enough for the trucks to run again. It is nice having him home to do some well needed cleaning and such, but I can tell he's getting antsy. Axton loves having him around. He is all about his Daddy. I have been pushed to the side and replaced with Mr. Mom.haha
I can feel the craziness at school from all the kids being sick of staying in doors. They have lots of entergy that needs to escape. Of course don't we all! I'd love to run around like a wild animal at some moments through the day, if they'd let me. Today we went and played in a room that has nothing in it and turned the music on full blast. The kids danced like no one was watching. It was great! I wish in life I could do that. Just be who I want to be without having to feel like someone is watching me. It's like a fear of being mocked, made fun of, or looked at like I have lost my mind. It's in what we say or what we even think. It's adult peer pressure. I thought it would go away after high school, but I found it got worse over the years. When you have children, it's in how to dress them, how you want them to act, etc. When you chose your mate, what would others think, how will your in-laws feel about you? That high school feeling never goes away of wanting to be in the in crowd. It just changes in topics. For me it's even talking about God and my beliefs openly. Not that I am ashamed, but not everyone feels as I do. I just always want to be careful, but I am learning, why should I? Not that I am going out tomorrow to buy my children the bear shirts I detest, because it doesn't matter what others think or go up to someone I know doesn't believe in God and go on a rant, but... It does mean that if I like something that someone in my crowd doesn't, it's ok to still like it. I love to fit in, but sometimes at the risk of my own happiness.

God, help me to learn that you made me different. You made me unique. Help me to live my life like no one is watching. If I want to dance in the rain, it's ok. I just want to live my life for you. You don't care if I wear yellow socks or never wear makeup. Help me to be ok in my own skin. You chose me and I thank you for each blimish and each scar I have. God, grant me the ability to be happy even in the rain.

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