Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 is gone, here we come 2008

It's been awhile. Life has just been so busy these days. Axton's been sick, then I got sick, and we traveled over 1000 miles for the holidays. PS.. we never left Arkansas! I enjoy the holidays, but sometimes in the midst of the madness I miss home. I can't believe it's New Years Eve. Tim's saying is, "It's going to be great in 08". Not original I am sure, but I a praying for that. This year has been eventful. We have a new nephew Wyatt, Tim's grandpa Died, my sister-in-law is pregnant with our new niece Eden, and I am sure there is a bigger list. I wish I would have clocked how many miles we traveled this year. It's a huge amount. In all these things, I feel God always by us. He has never left us nor forsaken us. When my radiator went bad recently and it could have stranded us miles from home, God waited until I was in the comfort of MEMS to die on me, when my tires were balled, we were saved from what could have been a bad day. Never have I once believed more in God's faithfulness than now. It has been a year for job changes for Tim. He sold cars and now he is working for Mark's trucking company. It's not the cleanest job, but it's a job. Axton has had school problems, lots of doctor's visits, and who knows what else. In all of that, he is my pride and joy. He is a gift from God and I love the infectious laughter he brings to me. Ike has grown so much this past year. To think teenage years are just around the corner! I am ever changing. I see God working in our lives right now and am slow to say much. I just know that 2008 will be a new challenge and I am excited to see where God takes us.

God, grant me the ability to deal with change. Help me to seek you first and to always have my ears open to your word. God, I pray for Peace for Tim. You hear him calling for you and I pray you would answer him. Help him to find you in the middle of his storm. God, I need you. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's the truth. Thank you for a wonderful 2007! I look forward to your greatness in 2008! Amen..

Until then,

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Miss verses Arkansas

Our picture for our Christmas card says it all... Oh the lines are clearly drawn..

So I say, Bobby who??? Where is Houston??

Until then,

Monday, December 10, 2007

Monday, oh Monday

I drove up to school today and of course on a Monday you have to make yourself go anywhere.. I get out and try and get Axton, who by this point is freaking out. "This is not my cool" You know at that point I realized something, He listens to everything I say and forgets nothing. We haven't talked about the "new school" since last week. I honestly haven't said anything to "him" about it. He just overheard me talking to my mom and Tim. He wants to go to the new place so bad. I talked with them today and we are praying that God will open a space for him before May or June. That's when they think they may have space. The class will be smaller and he will have 3 teachers. 6 kids in the class are your average everyday Tom and Susie and the other 6 have a hard time in a "normal" setting. Maybe due to being born premature or what not. Axton will whiz by in the brain part of it, it's just the change I worry about. You know since listening to him and talking to the lady again today, I am no longer sad or angry. I know that God has a plan and in that includes what is best for my baby. I just think I am so wrapped up in loving him that I forget that it's ok, to sometimes just let go.

I am struggling with Christmas right now. Getting the perfect gift, making sure everyone on my list is bought for. It's overwhelming really. Ike comes on Christmas Eve and stays for the week. I try and not speak bad things into existence, but his mom is not the easiest person to get along with. I pray that this year goes smoothly and she doesn't try and pull the things she has in the past 4 1/2 years. I just want life to be less complicated and chaotic for us. In the long run, it's just about us being together as a family. We travel for the most part to get Ike, to see Tim's family, to take Ike back.. I swear my SUV is like a house. I have clothes, food, and I am sure other things I don't care to know. In all things, we are a family in that Jeep. Just spending all the time we can together before all the madness starts!

God right now you know my heart and my heart's cry. I just need guidance. I am at peace with your will right now for Axton. I just pray that you would open space for him in the school. I pray that you will help ease the transition and keep him until he can leave his school now. God, I need you. It's so easy to be angry with people and their inability to work with others and their unpleasantness. God, you are bigger than these people and I pray that you change the way we all work together. In all things God, I praise you for never leaving us. Thank you. Amen..

Until then..

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The weekend

Can't type a long time. I am borrowing computer space today. This week has been challenging and yet a learning experience. I have learned this week, that I have to just trust. I am not sure where life will take us, but I am sure of one thing, I won't figure it out alone. Axton is on the waiting list for a new school. I was upset at first, but I think I am coming into the idea. I know that just because I am sad about it, doesn't mean Axton is. I think he is ready for the change of pace and he's always up for a new challenge. I just pray that God watch over us as we are in this time of transition and unknown. I want his will and I think this is it. We will have to see how long it takes for him to get into the new school.

Today is our oldest birthday. He's 8! Life goes by so fast. I remember the little 3 year old jumping on the bed in his underwear the first time I met him. In that second I knew I'd love him forever. He is a gift and I would be lost without him. Happy birthday Isaac! You are the greatest son and big brother anyone could ask for.

God, in this week be with us. Guide us through the unknown. I have my moments of being angry and scared and everything else wrapped up into one. Please help me to remember I am not alone. God, I pray for our enemies. I know that you see what happens daily with us and what I feel as "attacks". Please Lord protect us from what we see and do not see. Amen...

Until then...

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Are you laughing God??

Do you ever think God watches over you and laughs out loud? Not in a bad way, but sometimes I am convinced when I am trying my hardest and about ready to throw in the towel, God is laughing at me. He's thinking, "When is she just going to get it and ask for help?" I have had one of the most trying days. My class didn't nap, one of my little boys dumped green paint down my paints, Axton threw a train at the teachers head, and my list goes on. At one point I just stood in the room of screaming toddlers and wondered "God where are you?" I couldn't find him from all the madness and noise. Not surprising though, he never left. I am sure he was chuckling over the green paint and the train incident.=) Axton is just a little crazy lately. He just seems to be unhappy with school and it is overtaking the rest of his life. I am taking him to the doctor tomorrow. They think he will tell him why he doesn't sleep anymore and why he doesn't eat. Can't wait to see how this conversation goes down. Dr: Axton what seems to be the trouble? Axton: Well lets see, I dislike my teachers, I prefer to sleep my hours instead of the ones given to me, and by the way I think you should install TVs in your office!

I think when I found out I was pregnant with Axton, I some how thought as a parent you have all the answers, right away all the time. Oh the misconception on a young naive 23 year old. 3 years later, I still haven't a clue. I feel blank and lost. Do I make him go to school, how often does he get a spanking for the same thing and then you quit trying that, should he stop eating sugar, my list goes on. Where are the answers?? No book I have found as any answers. I guess it's trial and error and you pray hard you don't send them to a therapist couch?? Oh and I thought 9 hours of pushing and my epi stopping my breathing were hard work. Now he's turning 3 and more than ever, I need answers. So, right now I pray for God to guide me.

God, I need you. I just feel out of control right now. My son is acting up in school and I hear the whispers of others around me. God, I pray that you would help me to make wise decisions when it comes to my child. Help me God, help him. Whatever it may be. You promised you wouldn't give us more than we alone could bare and I feel I am almost there. Though I keep my humor, Lord I really am struggling. You know my heart and you know I would give my life for that little boy. He's my heartbeat. I just need some way to make him ok with his surroundings. God grant me the ability to discern the good and bad things for him. Amen..

PS God, you see they can't find a coach for U of A.. Haha serves them right, doesn't it? Bring Houston back!!
Until then...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Motherhood and baseball bats

I have heard some really interesting things today. One parent said today that God doesn't give us human size problems, he gives us God sized problems, so that we lean on him and learn how great God is. I also heard that It's easy to sum of life in one phrase "It goes on". You know those simple words today made me really think. How often do I in my life, think about how giant things seem to be and how overwhelmed I am with life. Never thinking that it's God showing me how great he is! Life really does go on doesn't it. Nothing so far in my short 26 years and been as devastating as I thought it was going to be. I made it out alive and smarter than when I went in!

Axton is full of it lately. He is tired, acting out, and just over all a crab. I get to the point with him that I just have to stop trying to make him do what I want and just let him be. Right now he is being the boss of Barney the wonder dog.. Poor dog! Well, now he wants to play baseball. I say he's the next Babe Ruth or Sammie Sosa, without the steroids..LOL He loves baseball and practices daily. I can't believe it's already time for him to play t-ball. He has been waiting for this day since he could swing a bat. Of course he's been swinging even in the womb. He can smack a ball off a tee, but he wants loud cheers! He is driven for perfection. I admire his drive and hard work. Even at almost 3, he reminds me of a few people I know.. Papa! I am not sure that I am ready yet. He is growing up so very fast right before my eyes. Even his conversation is changing now. He talks to me about "big" things.. Now just so you know as I have typed this, he has broken my sunglasses and was sent to bed... Oh the joys of parenthood!

God, I am just tired. I can't say why, because I don't know. I need you. I need rest. Lord, I pray for Axton. I am not sure what is going on in that little head of his, but you do father. Lord grant him peace and rest. I am not sure what goes on with him each day, so God I ask for protection. In the middle of whatever frustrates him, God I pray you place your hands around him and calm his spirit. God, I am a mother because you chose me to be and I thank you for that great job. But, Lord I can't do it alone. I need you. Guide me I pray. Help me to even in my mistakes, be the mother you would have me to be. Amen..

Until then...

Monday, December 3, 2007

It's a Monday alright!

It's settle down time in the Tackett household. Some of us are not as tired as others, but oh well.. The little person will fall soon! I am exhausted, because Monday's always seem to be more rushed than any other day of my week. It's just getting back into our routine and doing the task that should have been done on the weekend! Like the 4 loads of laundry that we swore we did yesterday. I am sick of talk radio today and their talk of Houston Nutt! Thought I was off that kick didn't you? No such luck! It's Monday!

I spent some time with my girlfriends tonight. As much as I love being with other adults, I miss home. The craziness of our house is normal to me and sometimes the quite drive somewhere is deafening. I did learn something tonight. No matter how old I get or what I accomplish, in some people's eyes I will never be more than a 12 year old who just lets things roll off her back. Don't get me wrong, I am used to being the end of someones jokes every now and again, but... As other's my age grow up and get to sit at the adult table so to speak, I in turn want that as well. I think I get that because I just laugh at everything and try and be good natured. But, I do long to just be the average joe who blends in for a day. I guess I brought this upon myself, so now I will go on laughing it up. I know I have fans at home who still think I am cool! Sometimes like tonight, I want to crawl away slowly and just let it be someone else's turn. I am funny and I love to have a good time, but... If you need something to make you look cool, talk about something other than me. =)

God in times as tonight when I just feel "out of sorts", help me to remember you don't ever make me feel little so you can be big. In your eyes God, I am big! Help to not be angry because people can't read my mind. God, I pray that you help me to get a little tougher for myself. Not become someone who is mean, but someone who doesn't always let others walk all over me. Thank you for this Monday and all the days to come. I am so thankful God that you have already been where I will walk this week and you will guide my every step. Amen..

Until then...

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Cotton Bowl and Charlie Brown

Well it's on to the Cotton Bowl for Arkansas. As excited about this as we are in our house, my feelings on this should come as no surprise. It will be a sad day without my beloved Houtson. He has taken 5 of the people on the Arkansas coaching staff with him, so we are dwindling down to just a few coaches. I think we will still beat Mizzou, but.... we'd have a better chance with my man on the sidelines! I still refuse to watch the news when they discuss the search for a new coach.. I think I have change I am sure they will find a perfectly good coach, but he won't ever be Houston.

Today has been a lazy day. I think we have watched Charlie Browns Christmas no less than 15 times this weekend. Axton has memorized every line and repeats them at any given moment. He thinks Christmas is the greatest thing ever. He loves the decorations, the music, he loves it all! I enjoy watching him take every ounce of the excitement in. He reminds me so much of my mother with his passion for the holidays. I spend my day in aww of him. I get so frustrated at him sometimes. He has a sassy mouth and loves to pester you just because he can. I have to remember 2 things though... He is but a little boy and he is the child I was! Can't fault him for either of those things, can you? I am blessed because I have him each day. I cherish these moments in life. They can't be purchased on Ebay and can't be copied in a Hallmark card. They are my moments!

God as we settle down for what always promises to be a hectic Monday, I ask for one thing God. Help me to slow down tomorrow. I often forget God that life is short and the things that seem to set me off, really in all accounts aren't that bad. You have blessed me and my family. You provide even when it seems like it's not in "my" time. I ask for you to forgive me for not always being patient and waiting on you to show up and instead "I" show up. Thank you from the center of my being that you came and took the sin from my own life, so that we may live. Amen..

Until then..

Saturday, December 1, 2007

A day of shopping...

So tell me why Christmas shopping with your spouse makes shopping even worse?? Do they turn the heat to 110 on purpose? Why is every restroom in each store no where close to where you can find it? We went shopping today for the first time this season together.. We got nothing we went for and accomplished much of nothing. Axton doesn't want to shop and neither does Tim. Why can't they just stay home and be the Grinch?? We do this yearly. He hates this time of year! Why do I expect anything new this year? You think after 5 years, I'd learn to shop without him and just let him see what "Santa" brought the day of Christmas? I guess I punish myself for the fun of writing about it..haha I almost got in an argument with a guy 1 aisle over, because he was dogging Houston Nutt. I had to do some breathing tricks because I could feel my blood pressure rising and tears in my eyes. Do you think I am ever going to get over him leaving for Ole Miss? Why do I take it so personal? I love this time of year. I was singing loudly to all the Christmas tunes on the radio, much to the dismay of Tim. It's something about this time of year that makes sense. I am excited to see the looks of my children's faces as they open the presents that I looked hard for and thought so much over. Now I hate putting the Christmas decor up!! It's so time consuming and I end up breaking all the balls and lights on the tree... The the madness starts next year with buying the same ones I had and breaking them again.

I just have to remind myself that there will be Grinch's in the world not just surrounding the holiday season. They won't stop me from being as positive as I can be each day, even though my circumstances may not be as rosie as I may like. I am grateful for each day and even craziness!

Thank you God for the Grinch in my life. It's a running joke that he hates the holidays and wishes we could skip the next 2 months. I pray that you help us to learn from one another. That each year after all the craziness is done, he loves the holiday one meter more than the last, and I sing half a chorus less of Have yourself a merry little Christmas. I thank you for the ability to be able to give to other's. Maybe not as much as I want to, but you know my heart. In all things God, help me to remember, I am blessed! Amen

Until then....

Friday, November 30, 2007

A sad day

The start of a new era. An Ole Miss Rebel.. who'd have seen that coming??


Before I blog, let me take this moment to say, HOUSTON NUTT WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?? I am just at a loss. You just have to know how big of a fan I am of him in itself to understand my mourning.. I am now a Razorbell. That's a Razorback and a Rebel.. Who knew I'd ever feel less love for my #1 team. I still love them, just sad over the loss of my #2 man!!!

Can you believe it's almost the 1st of December?? This date holds more meaning to me this month than any other month. Yes the rent is due, but it means that there is only 24 days left until Christmas. This year the hustle and bustle seems more noticeable. Axton is old enough to understand what Santa means. He has a list of what Ho Ho is bringing him, a bike and a gun. Ike has a huge list that seems to be growing daily! The crowds at the stores seem bigger and the Christmas music at the stores seems louder. I am excited what this new year will bring, but a little saddened by the fact that our two boys are turning 8 and 3. Ike's birthday is 2 weeks before Christmas and then Axton's falls right after. Where did our babies go? Axton's hands are changing. Is that the strangest thing you have heard today? I watch his hands everyday and they are loosing the baby look and turning into big boy hands. The grow up to need you less, but love you more. At least that is my prayer!

I feel so blessed in my life. I have a family that in my own words "rocks". I have friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I want for nothing more than continued happiness. I know that each year will come with new challenges, but with a great support system there is nothing we can't tackle!

Thank you God for a wonderful year. We have come through some rough times, that we only made it through with you. I thank you for your undying love and your strength. I sing the song ever morning, God is in control. That is my motto now. I thank you for always being in control of what seems like madness to me. I pray that this new year will bring us new beginnings and renewed faith! And God one more thing, send Houston back!

Until tomorrow...

Saturday, November 17, 2007

It's that time.

To say that life is a learning experience is an understatement. I find that every day I learn something new. These days I just realize that as bad as I think I have it sometimes , someone else has it far worse. Shouldn't I have known that already?? Guess it's hard to remember that when you are standing in the middle of your own storm. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life even though at first look they don't seem like blessings at all. Is that awful to admit? I can't go into much detail, but I got to pay it forward this week. It is such an awesome blessing to be able to help someone else. I can't tell you how many times others have shown up at my door, just as I am praying for God to answer my need. It is an awesome thing to see God work the way he does.

We will be traveling for Thanksgiving. It's a long 9 hours, but I try and get excited about time with just the 4 of us. The kids don't sleep in the car, so we just talk or watch movies. I don't see Tim a lot these days with him working, so it's a great time for us to "catch up". Our boys are getting so big. Axton is potty trained 90%, Ike is buying gifts for his girlfriend and breaking up with her, but he got the bracelet back..LOL He's his father's child! I just wish time would slow down for me to play catch up. I miss moments in the day because I am worrying about something else or not paying attention to the important things. I am so grateful for the small moments I do witness. When Axton tells me about his "preinds" or Ike telling me about his new "love". Those are moments I cherish.

Thank you Father for the love of the men in my life. Thank you for a family that never leaves me side. I am blessed beyond all measure. I count my worth by the others I have around me. Thank you for the love of a Heavenly Father, that never stops loving me no matter the mistake. In this time of Holiday, bless those Lord who can not help themselves. Help me to reach out to others who are less fortunate than we are. Amen...

Until then...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's Tuesday

What a week so far and it's only the 2nd day.. Guess I better hang in there! Tim's birthday was yesterday and he actually did better than I expected. Of course he was gone until 7:45 last night, so he didn't have a lot of time to think about it. 34 isn't as bad as he might have thought. I baked a pie..hehe Even my typing that was funny. I really did though! Of course I am the only one who ate it!

Today we had an ambulance at school. The kids loved it and my Dad and his medic's were a hit. My favorite question they asked was, what do you do if you see the lights flashing? Apparently the wrong answer is, Speepd up and follow them... I tried though right? Of course Axton was so proud that is Papa came to his school. His new thing is when you ask who he is, he says "Greg Thompson".. I love it! He thinks Papa put the moon in the sky and raises the sun every morning. He is so funny sometimes. He is doing better with his therapy. His therapist says he is one of the smartest children she works with. That some how does not suprise me, I'm his mom..LOL He had a speech evaluation today and they think he needs some help in that area. They think his cognetive devolpment is over devolped, but his speech is just not able to catch up with him. I am proud that my little man is sp smart and getting the help he needs. I have always thought of him as a smarty pants..LOL

A great pastor I know, said that in all things give thanks. So, this week I am living that. In all we have been facing this week, I am thanful for all the things in my life. Big and small. I have a wonderful home, we have never gone without, I have a family that there is no other like them.. I know that life may not always be what I want it to be, but God is always taking care of us. Never leaving us to suffer alone.

Thank you God for all the blessings in my life. Thank you for loving us so much that you never leave us and always provide for our needs. Help me to be gratfeful and to teach my children that their life is a great gift. Help me to be the mom that you have molded me to be. Amen..

Until then...

Saturday, November 10, 2007


The boys are wild tonight and life is crazy. Their unstoppable laughter makes all the worries of the world go away. It's almost time for Ike to go home again and that is one of the most heart wrenching things a parent can face.. leaving your kid behind. Divorce is so very difficult, but having a child involved is even worse. I can't tell you the emptiness that this house feels when he is gone. The void, the silence. Axton adores "Bubby'' and ask for him no less than 3 times a day. He is now beginning to feel the loss that Ike leaves behind. Ike is a wonderful kid that every house needs 2 of. He even folded the laundry for me! I almost fainted that someone helped without being asked, of course he asked for money afterwards..LOL It was the thought, right? He makes me look at life different. He just has such an understanding for life and what he wants out of it. I pray that God always watch over him and help Tim and I to be Godly influences in his life. I can not control what the other set of parents do or say, but with the short time he is here, I can be everything I need to be. I just dread Sunday's.. It's just the finale and he knows that time is short. He is quiet on those days.. This month though he will be here every weekend for 4 weeks! Axton won't know what to do!! It's hard to have 2 kids, but only 1 with you all the time. I know it must be so hard for Ike to have to get used to being back with us after being gone. Sunday drives are spent with laughter, talking about what is important to him, and sometimes just silence.

God, help us to be watchful parents. To show our love and to be unbiased. Help us to live our lives knowing that 2 little boys are watching our every move. I pray that even in our times of hardship and strife that you guide us to make the best decisions as parents. I pray for the other parenting half of Ike. God help us to be on the same page and to be civil and respectful. Thank you God for sending us what I think is your best work yet! They are gifts and I thank you for them. Amen

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Being blessed

Out of the fog becomes something so wonderful. I watched my baby today breeze through nap time without the screaming and yelling that normally follows him. It wasn't all it can be yet, but one day at a time, right? He is transforming into such a little man. With his funny thoughts and his intensity about life. He is an example of God's greatness. When I watch him some days, I feel God right next to me. I am so undeserving, yet eternally grateful for him.

I spend my days so consumed with craziness. The Christmas wish list of our boys, the bills that need to make the cut this month, the beeping of the smoke detector that just won't quit and then in all of it, when did I remember that in all things big and small, they aren't that bad. Someone has it far worse than I ever will. Someone tonight is cold, someone tonight is hungry, and I complain over a dinner that is not the best one in my menu planning. I know we should think about others and their needs more. I give to the food bank when ordering my pampered chef and give my extra change at Dollar General when checking out, but do those few dollars really matter. I feel so greedy and ungrateful. I never say out loud how truly blessed I am. I have a 10 year old Jeep that has lots of miles on it, but yet I am grateful because it's what I have and it's been good to us. I have a home that without the love of 2 wonderful parents would not have been possible for us to even imagine at this point in our lives. I have a husband and 2 kids who are the reason I live, and I am blessed.

God, in this time of thanksgiving and rejoicing, I thank you for even the smallest things. You are never changing and always giving. Thank you for your blessings. Lord, in our times of what seems like famine, we have never gone without. You have kept my lights on and the roof over our heads. Bless those Lord who may not have what they need tonight. Give me a heart that wants to serve you by serving others. Amen.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

It's me again God.

It's taken me a few days to blog, because I have had to use some time to think about my new entry. On another note, I had a wonderful birthday. 26 was not as bad as I thought it would be. I had a great dinner with my family and some nice new purses and such. Now I can get rid of my brown purse everyone hates=0)

On to my thought today. Not much to it really. I just am seeking some guidance right now. I feel like each day lately has been filled with Axton thoughts. Not that it shouldn't be that way, but not in the way it turns out. So, I say it's me again God. You know that one who keeps showing up looking for the same thing. =) Axton had a great past 5 days and we have really made head way in his fits when he gets so very frustrated. All things are possible. I have also changed my way of thinking and speaking. You know when you tease about your kid being, bad to the bones or being wild. Even in my joking, I have realized, How can I expect someone else to not say things like that, when I say them. Of course we mean them different, but. God doesn't give us more than we alone can bear. I know that in all I face and even at 2 1/2 Axton faces the same demons. He has a diagnoses, but he does not need a label. He doesn't go bad after not being eaten by a certain date and he doesn't go stale when sitting on the counter, so why label him. He is my baby and the gift God gave me to protect. So, now I pray for God's grace. It is sufficient for me. I don't have a clue what is best for me most days, I sure don't always have the answers for someone else's life. But, I do serve a God who is greater than I ever will be.

God you are greater than anyone in this world. You placed me where I am today and you gave me all the things that make me who I am. God, I know I ask for this a lot, but today father send me guidance abundantly. Father, not only for Axton and what I should do for him, but in my marriage, my job, my bills, and anything else than comes my way. I need you. I lay before you needing answers. My ears and heart are open to you. My mouth is quiet waiting on you to speak. As I lay my head tonight in rest, change my heart. Help me to not be so overcome with anger that I miss what you have for me. Quite my spirit so that I will hear your voice and not the voice of my own mouth. Amen.

Until then...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Is it only Wednesday?

Having an off day around our house is like having 2 shoes on for anyone else. Just common. I am not quite sure where the day got sour this morning, but what seemed like a normal day in the Tackett household never holds true like I'd hoped. After Axton's weekly therapy session and all the wonderful postitive things she had to say about him, I was feeling great! Not that I think he has "changed" overnight, but I am way more hopeful these days then I was last month. He in her words remember is, "brillant". Not that I am bragging or I adore my son and want nothing more for him than the best in life. I think that is any parents dream for their child. His teachers may not be the best match possible for him. They don't understand him and don't want to really. It saddens me as a mother for someone not to love him the way I think they should. Not that I think they should want to take him home with them, but that kind of compassion that I feel teachers of any age, should love their children. I teach 2 year olds. Not that I don't have a few in my class that drive me batty, but I am placed in their lives to touch them in some way. I don't think Axton's teachers got the same calling or maybe the line from God to tell them that, was busy the day the phone call went out. Whatever it may be, I am just in a hard place with it all. As a parent you live your life to protect, as a human you understand people have faults and they won't always be the way you want them to be.

On a happier note.. My baby wore a costume!!! Yay for him! He wasn't scared and had a wonderful night. He was well behaved and brought home 3 buckets of candy. He was so excited to see his Daddy after a long day. I was ready to see a pillow, but well Ax took that up right away!

God, thank you for sending me Axton. Father, I heard myself question why you sent he and I together today, because we don't always mesh well. You blessed me with this gift and I thank you for him and all that he comes with. Help me to stop feeling frustrated with the outcome of school and to seek you first. I am only human and forget that you have a plan for me. Protect my baby when I can not and love him with the love of a father, when others may reject him. Give me wisdom father.

Until then...

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I'm back!

I'm back! Finally! I had some computer problems this week. I felt so alone with out my Handy Dandy Notebook.. For those of you who don't know, that's a reference to Blue's Clues. You know you wouldn't think you could learn a lesson when your computer is down, but I did. I learned that I have lot of people around me who are truly wonderful people. Not because, they would fix my broke machine, but because they are just caring individuals. My car also broke this past weekend. I just felt like every time I moved, something else broke. So as always, I call my Dad and say, my car is broke and my computer is broke! Those great people I was talking about, came through again. It's amazing the people you come in contact with in life. The computer guy, who gives me a hard time, yet somewhere deep down inside of him, I know he thinks I I mean if he didn't have things of mine to fix, what would he do with his spare time?? Then there is the car guys. Those two give me a hard time about being a pain, but they are wonderful guys who always fix my car even when it's something simple I should have done first! Then you have my Dad. There are no words to describe him. I am sure I am the cause of those few grey hairs he has. He is an amazing source of strength. There is not a time in life, that I couldn't call him and he'd be there. The computer guy and the car guys go to bed, but Dad's never sleep. I am so extremely grateful for the wonderful people God has placed around me. I don't deserve anything anyone has ever done, but God has blessed me abundantly!

So thank you Mr. Computer Guru! My machine runs faster and so much better without yucky viruses! I promise no more Limewire! Well, don't count me out. I could still need you again. Thank you Mr. Car Guys. Your job is a messy one and I am so glad you do what you do. I'd be lost without you. My car actually starts now when I turn the key! Thank you Dad. I couldn't be who I am today without you. Your wisdom is amazing and your love is priceless. I pray one day I can be half the parent to our boys as you are to me.

Thank you God for the people you have sent to my family. Not because they fix things I break or clean up my messes, but because they are wonderful people. You have blessed me Lord in ways I can not even begin to find words for. Thank you father. Help me to be a blessing to others.

Until then....

Sunday, October 21, 2007


This was a whirl wind weekend as always. We had Ike for3 days, but it goes by way to fast. Have you ever tried going over a 2nd grade spelling list with and almost 8 year old?? You should it test patience and humor. On our way home from the 2 1/2 hour drive, Axton found out that rolling the window down was a fun game to play. What struck me was his attempt to "catch" the wind. He tried his hardest and thought it was the greatest game he had ever played. He would say "I got cha" and put his arms together as though he had "caught" it. As simple as that sounds, it caught my attention. That's a piece of God and even though I can't see him, he's there in that gust of wind. Such a simple thought, yet so profound to me. My 2 year old never once thought he was teaching mommy something, but as always he did.

Axton has faith of a child. He has no idea that we may not have all the money in the world to buy all his "wants" or wishes, but he still has faith that I will. Ike has big dreams for Christmas and has faith that I won't let him down.. well um Santa won't since you know I work for him now as well..LOL To be that small again and to just have that never fearing faith. They have no idea about stress or worry yet and as a mother I pray they never will. I want to trust God that innocently. Just like we did as a child. Since getting older, I have become so overcome with stress and worry, that I forget to just have faith. God promised me that he would never give me more than I alone could bare, and yet I doubt? Why? I want that never doubting, always accepting, kind of faith! You know the one where you believe that if you have faith, that you can catch the wind.

God, grant me the ability to accept the things I can not change. I pray for faith as a child tonight. God, you have never let me down and we have never gone without. You are a faithful and on time God. You see what we will face before we have. Help me to face my day with the kind of faith my children have taught me. You know the one God, the one where I can catch the wind. That kind of faith! Thank you for the blessings in my life. Amen..

Until then...

Saturday, October 20, 2007


Today I noticed that the clock seems to be going faster everyday. I know it never stops, but don't you wish it would wait for you to catch up with it? There are not enough hours in my day. The laundry seems to be growing in abundance, the kitchen counters even seem to call out to me that they need to be cleaned, the whole house needs to be vacuumed and somewhere in there, I must sleep. I'm not sure where my day goes. I get up on time, I get ready in plenty of time, but yet I always manage to forget something of importance. Today it was my sunglasses. Minimal by far in comparison to what it could have been, but the sun was beaming today. I think becoming a parent you loose small pieces of who you were. Not that you just loose all your self worth, but since taking care of another life, the things you were so good at once before, seem to start lagging. I have always been in my husband's own words, an "elephant".. Wasn't sure how to take that either were you? He assures me that it means I never forget anything. I used to not, but now I slip from time to time. To the amazement of my kids, I can't do all superwoman's work for her. She's got to make a buck on her own sometimes! I remember the important things, but maybe that's it. The things I forget, weren't all that important anyway were they? Maybe I spend so much time taking in useless knowledge that I am overwhelmed.

There won't ever be 25 hours in a day and more sunlight because I just remembered it's 9 o'clock and I need to mow the grass, but... In those 24 hours a day God has granted us, I will do the task that I can. The other's must not have ranked on the importance list and will wait until tomorrow. As long as I have looked at my 2 1/2 year old and laughed at his funny thought or picked him up when he says "Hold you me mommy". As long as I have told my husband that I love him and as long as in my day if I haven't spoken to Ike, my mind goes to him at least 12 times a day, I have done the important task.

God grant me the ability to find you in the craziness I call my life. Lord, when I feel overwhelmed with the "list" I have made for myself, help me to do the things you want me to do. Help me to always put you first and never be too busy for the 3 men in my life who count on me. God, I want to be the best at everything I do, but not because I am selfish, but because I want to live my life as an example of you. Be the constent in my world. Thank you for being my provider and the reason I live. Amen...

Until then...


Friday, October 19, 2007


Tonight was a night with Girls only. I love my husband and my children, but it was so nice to not need a highchair and to choke down my food, because my child is throwing sweet and low at the waitress. I rarely have my alone moments, because a pair of eyes are normally staring at my every move. I love those little eyes, but being away makes me love home even more.

It's nice to know you have great friends who won't laugh at your mistakes and think the worst of you for the stupid things you have done. It's nice to know they will cry with you and laugh with you. Those friends are one you cherish, because they can't be bought or traded. They are hard to come by, but once you have them you want to treasure them always. Those girls know things about me that even I try and forget. The moments as teenagers when all you seem to do is make stupid choices, but looking back now you laugh so hard that you cry. I could have swore my Dad was out to make my life a living nightmare, but now as an adult, I actually see he was trying to help and protect me. Thought I wouldn't say that, didn't you?? I forget about being those times of being invincible. I forget about those first love.. well I think they all seemed that way then. lol I forget about the first time I met Tim and fell in love right then and there. Never looking back, but always looking ahead. Why is it that we forget the parts of our lives that make us who we are. You know, the beginning of the story written about our lives. I don't want to ever forget the stupid choices, or the wonderful friends, that I almost forget I have. Life gets so busy and we take so much for granted.Why do we forget that friends exsist until the hard times? I know that my life gets hectic and when I have awful moments that I just don't think I can bare, I want to run and call someone. I want to also know that I can call them in the happy times as well.

God, help me to be a better friend. You gave me these wonderful women for a reason. Most of them you sent to me when I was just beginning my journey into what would now become my life story. The book on me or them isn't finished yet, so Lord help us to be a part of those good and bad times. Thank you God for the love of others. Without having someone to call on, this world would be a lonely place. Lord, help me to love one another as you have loved us so unselfishly. Help me to be quiet when it's that time in a friendship where no words have to be spoken. God, send me the words in the times, someone needs to hear you. Amen..

Until then...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Potty training

I am writing today with a mother's pride. As funny as this sounds, I am so excited to say my baby has poo pooed in the potty. I am sure he'll hate me for this later, but hey the joys in my life are of the small things. Isn't it funny how when you become a parent, your greatest accomplishments change. It goes from what type car you drive, how much money you make, to the excitement over going to the potty, starting school, etc. I just decided one day that this potty training thing couldn't be as hard as he made it. The potty is not the enemy I have said 10 times! There are no monsters in there and if there were, they don't want anything you have.. So, over the past 3 weeks we have had great days with this attempt and not so great days, but it's been a great time for us. Bonding over the potty has become a nightly thing. "Please go the potty" "As soon as you do it, we are going to Chuck E Cheese". The bribes go on and on. I could tell you about the night that chocolate cake was the bribe, but.. I'll let that be between us and the Kroger bakery.LOL We laugh in the bathroom, we run to the bathroom. It's the nightly exercise program here. As many times as I am in there with him, you'd think I'd mop the floor that I say looks disgusting every time I am in there.

In all of this potty mayhem, I have learned something so little that I should have already known. It's not in the biggest things that we should rejoice. Rejoice in life's smallest things. We forget that in those small moments, the big ones are born. I am sure God rejoiced with us when we were 2 and potty training. I am sure he rejoiced just as much when we graduated. That parent pride knows no prejudice in which things are great accomplishments. Axton pooping in the potty is GREAT! It also makes me realize in that, he is growing up to become an even bigger boy than he is now. I am not ready to let me little baby grow up, but I know that each lesson I teach him now and even he teaches me, is preparing him to become a man one day. I am confident most days, that I have some sort of clue what I am doing.

God, grant me the ability to rejoice in you. In the small things in our lives, you are there. Help me to not forget the things that made me who I am today. We fall down in some areas in our lives daily, but you always pick us back up again. Thank you for not giving up on us when we make mistakes. Even as potty training children, you rejoiced with us. Thank you Lord for carrying us in the times when we can not carry ourselves. Amen..

Until then...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


I keep singing rain rain go away.. I like the rain, but you see when your husband drives a dump truck for a living, the rain is not your friend. He hasn't worked this week, because it rains so much and it hasn't dried up enough for the trucks to run again. It is nice having him home to do some well needed cleaning and such, but I can tell he's getting antsy. Axton loves having him around. He is all about his Daddy. I have been pushed to the side and replaced with Mr. Mom.haha
I can feel the craziness at school from all the kids being sick of staying in doors. They have lots of entergy that needs to escape. Of course don't we all! I'd love to run around like a wild animal at some moments through the day, if they'd let me. Today we went and played in a room that has nothing in it and turned the music on full blast. The kids danced like no one was watching. It was great! I wish in life I could do that. Just be who I want to be without having to feel like someone is watching me. It's like a fear of being mocked, made fun of, or looked at like I have lost my mind. It's in what we say or what we even think. It's adult peer pressure. I thought it would go away after high school, but I found it got worse over the years. When you have children, it's in how to dress them, how you want them to act, etc. When you chose your mate, what would others think, how will your in-laws feel about you? That high school feeling never goes away of wanting to be in the in crowd. It just changes in topics. For me it's even talking about God and my beliefs openly. Not that I am ashamed, but not everyone feels as I do. I just always want to be careful, but I am learning, why should I? Not that I am going out tomorrow to buy my children the bear shirts I detest, because it doesn't matter what others think or go up to someone I know doesn't believe in God and go on a rant, but... It does mean that if I like something that someone in my crowd doesn't, it's ok to still like it. I love to fit in, but sometimes at the risk of my own happiness.

God, help me to learn that you made me different. You made me unique. Help me to live my life like no one is watching. If I want to dance in the rain, it's ok. I just want to live my life for you. You don't care if I wear yellow socks or never wear makeup. Help me to be ok in my own skin. You chose me and I thank you for each blimish and each scar I have. God, grant me the ability to be happy even in the rain.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

God has a sense of humor

Do you ever think God has a sense of humor?? I really saw it today when at work we drew secret pals. I drew my name and looked at it and then did a double take.. It would be the one person in the world that I would have never wanted. It's the teacher that right now is causing me some unwanted stress and heartache. So I took my name and then my heart sank. I heard the voice, you know you've heard it, GIVE IT BACK AND RUN! They were kidding you, now the jokes over. Make them give you the real person you will be buying things for the next 2 months! But, in the same second it took me to draw it, I felt this funny peace come over me. It was like God had made his joke and now he wanted me to listen. This was for a reason. So, now I just stare at the name. I don't know what God's lesson for me is going to be, but my ears and heart are open. The human side of me says, "Now God are you sure? Like really sure"? I mean I laughed God, now you can give me the real person I have for the next 2 months. But to no avail God wasn't joking. This is a lesson in life that I am going to take it to the fullest.

How often do we think God is joking or not listening? We think he's busy or just plain ignoring us. Then when he drops something in out lap or it hits us like a ton of bricks, we have no idea it's the real thing. This person needs me in a way God sees that I don't yet. I pray that over the next 2 months, things are brought to into my life, that I would have never known before.

God I pray that you would give me a heart that seeks you. Help me to choose to be the bigger person even when I feel like being angry or wanting to run the other way. Help me Lord, to turn the other cheek just as you did. That when I feel like I can't take or handle anymore, that I remember that someone in this world or right next to me, has it far worse. God, I need you, but as much as I need you, someone else is calling out to you in despair. In all things, whatever they may be, help me to live my life for you. Amen.

Until then...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Today was one for the record books. I have a lot going on at school and today it just seemed to boil over. I enjoy my job more than words can say. I have a passion and a heart for children and being a protector for them. I laugh and say I had a "real" job once, but gave it up when Axton was 14 months old and the sadness I felt when we left him at daycare finally got to me and I had to change my path. Being with him everyday for the past almost 2 years has been a joy that I never knew I'd ever know. It has cost us financially, but knowing my son is within arms reach is more important to us. I am an outgoing person by nature, but lack in the way I should be able to have confrontation when needed. I think my sister got that double for the both of us.LOL In school, the teachers don't understand the little man, I have grown to just call active and curious. There is a right and wrong way to deal with any child, but Axton is a little different. Space is something that he takes very serious and being in his without "permission" or gaining his trust first, is a bad thing for him. I don't know that they will ever understand him,but I wish they'd try. As a mom, my claws come out when I feel my baby is in trouble. As an adult I realize that you also have different perceptions for different situations. I am trying to remain level headed about all we are dealing with right now. Now ask my next week and I may have a whole other story that I will be telling. I don't think you ever realize how much your words and actions effect even the smallest person. I now know, since being in this situation with Axton and school, that I have to really think before I react. I should have known that way before now, huh? I just want to touch each child that I am with. That they never feel afraid or scared because of me. I want them to feel safe and loved just like my own would.

Lord, help me to protect my child in all areas. Help me to have discernment for things that I should. Help me to use loving words and kind hands with each child and person I some in contact with. God in the smallest things, help me to choose the level head my father raised us to have. Help me Lord, to have the heart of my mother and will of my father. God, I need you this week. Give me peace that only you can give and the patience that surpass all things. Amen.

Until then...

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Be still

We spent the majority of the day today on the road. Never have I wanted out of the car faster, but on weekend like this,it makes time together as a family of 4 one of the greatest times. W don't get to be together, all of us, often. Ike lives so far away, Tim works a lot of hours, and well Axton and I just hang out most of the time. The time our kids will remember the most is the 6 hour car ride we did every other weekend. I pray that the memories we make in those hours will last them a lifetime. If it's just talking about nonsense, singing very badly to the Veggie Tales, or sometimes saying nothing at all. It's just about being in the moment. They are growing up so quickly. I even look at Tim and in the almost 5 years of being together, he and I are aging. Not that we look haggard, but time changes you. I just don't want to miss a moment of our lives. Sometimes I spend the day chatting away and no time at all just listening to the noise, or taking in the silence. I want to be able to enjoy it all, but I enjoy yapping about nonsense more sometimes. This week, I am going to just listen more. When Axton tells me about the train or whatever he needs to say. When Tim tells me about the dump truck or someone who pulled out in front of him, again! Please people when you see a red Hearon trucking dump truck, don't pull out in front of him doing 20 mph. LOL I just want to hear those things without interrupting to hear my own voice.

Maybe we should all be quiet more and enjoy the silence or the "noise" we are to busy to hear any other day. I can tell you it will be a challenge for me, but a lesson not to late to learn. God said "Be still and know that I am God". I guess he really meant the Be still part. You can't always feel his presence in the hustle and bustle of life. You sometimes have to stop and be still to feel him.

Until then...

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress, use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes

And have what you want, but want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances and let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children, dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night

Don't run from the truth 'cause you can't get away, no
Face it and you'll be okay

Oh, wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy, and pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
And make peace with God, and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end, there's nobody else

Until tomorrow...

Friday, October 12, 2007

My little Axton

I sit here tonight researching Asperger's Syndrome. Who would have ever thought, I 'd even know that even existed. Of course it does, and it effects 2 in 10,000 children. 4 times more boys than girls. I guess January 5th,2005, Axton was the 2 in 10,000. If I look at it the way I want to some days, I'd see it as Why God, Why? But, today I choose to look at is as, Thank you God for making my little boy so special that you picked him out of the children in the world to be able to make a difference in life through teaching me. He is in the Autism Spectrum Disorder. Which just mean he is High Functioning. He doesn't lack anything developmentally, but in his social skills. It makes you look at the small things, such as having a normal conversation with your best friend, and not want to take it for granted anymore. Axton doesn't always have the ability to speak to someone like he wishes he could. So instead he takes his time learning all of his shapes, even ones you and I never think of, learning all about trains, dump trucks, and baseball. Did you know he knows most all of his letters and numbers by sight recognition? He is not even 3 yet. He is brilliant and I stare at him in amazement each day. How is someone so small, so smart?

I think I write all of this nonsense to make me aware that just because I don't understand the things he must face, they are real fears and issues he has. He doesn't mean to throw the tantrums he does sometimes when the noise level is high or someone has moved his things. He would love to be able to be invited to the kids parties at school instead of being looked over because parents look at him as "different". I see the looks of disgust when he has a momentof screaming.. He is not a bad child! I take deep offense to the stares in the store or even with family and friends. He may not behave the way someone may feel as though he should, but it's not about bad parenting or a bad child, it's about something far more. If someone has a question, I'd love them to ask even if I can't answer the question. I am still new to this and don't have all the answers.

God my prayer this week is, Help me to understand. Help me to stop and think of how Axton would feel instead of how I feel, because he won't do as I wish he would. Help me to be kind and use loving words. Please Lord let me remember that each day is to be cherished. You gave me this gift Lord and I stand in Awe in amazement. Help him to know that I am always here no matter what happens or where life takes him. Help him to live his life to the fullest and to reach all of his dreams times 10. Amen.

Until then....

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Life's funny..

I don't know that you could have asked me 5 years ago would I be a mom.. I think I would have laughed you off the planet. Now looking back, I think it was always there.. The want and desire. I have been with Isaac since he was 3 and watching him grow has been one big learning experience. I still, now having both boys, have no idea what I am doing. No book can prepare you for all of the emotions that your children bring to your life. Axton at 2 1/2 makes me look at life a little less seriously and see the humor in the small things. Ike has questions that make me think from a child's view point. Each day is filled with a little humor, tears, and lots of love. When Axton went to bed last night and asked me for the "Baseball Story", I knew that in the past few weeks as I have made up this story about a little boy named Axton who is the greatest baseball player in all the world.... He was listening. He hangs on my every word. Life is funny like that. Just when you think no one hears you.... They repeat something you've said. You pray it was all the positive things you said, not the one bad thing you said in that day.

Not all my days are easy. The stress of providing for my children finacially, making sure they get enough of what they are supposed to eat and not too much of the other's, praying that they take the life lessons I teach them, is a lot to bear. Somedays I wonder as I lie in bed, have I been to hard on them today? Was it really an issue that the room wasn't picked up or the bathroom cleaned after their bath? I pray, Dear Lord help me to stop to see them.. Not because they are my children, but because they are people too with feelings and needs that can slip by me in my hurried day.

It's funny to me, that just a few years ago life was so about me and someone was taking care of my needs... In a flash it all changed and now 2 little people count on the example that I lead and the choices I make throughout my days, to get what they will become in this life. I pray that God makes me an example to lead by for my boys. That they never wonder did she love me as much, was she as proud of me as him.. I want them to know I lived my life for them.

Until tomorrow....